Waiting for the next school year

I love go to school, but this time, I have to retire for the meantime.

My friends are excitingly enrolling for summer classes and I am amused seeing them busy filling out the enrolment form and going to and fro in the lobby. They gone loud and noisy. I can sense that they can't wait for the summer classes to start.

The scent of new notebooks, new writing pens and new sets of books and even new faces ramp this summer for them. And that, I too, would like to have or experience.

As I was looking at them, flashes of thoughts linger on my mind and one was - "What will I do this summer time?"

It is really boring to be locked up in the house without nothing worthwhile to do this summer and I don't want to waste my time.

I have decided to go to work, a kind of work that just lets me stay for a month and half, It is something like teaching or tutoring. That, I need to look out for.

I am quite envious of my friends going to school this summer. But it is not a lose because I will have to see them next school year.

Waiting for the next school year is quite a long, unexplanable "struggle". It is just that I will miss school stuff. I will miss to learn new things and definitely, I will miss my friends.

Patience is always a must. :-)

Been thinking...

Having the possibility that I can't pursue schooling is what I already anticipate to happen. Here I am finding ways in order to live, not just for me, but for them. I am thinking of going back to work.

It is a sad feeling that situations always have its blatant revelation. It leads me to think and to weigh things more deeply. Oftentimes my thinking leads me to question -"Why am I always in "misery"? "Why my world always presses on me?". Good thing, I know how to breath or if not, I will be drowned into place. "When can I be totally happy?", I say.

My friend told me to find an old rich man to marry and be happy. That is a ridiculous idea. Partly, she maybe right, but I don't want to dwell into such an idea. I don't want to regret in the end. I don't want to hurt a person and fake the whole thing. I don't want to sarifice my heart and be miserable for the rest of my life if that is the case especially if I don't love the person.

I respect my friend's opinion because that is the way she viewed it.

Insufficiency and scarcity, I hate them both, but I am working to combat them even though they are turmoiling me every now and then. It is a factual battle that I am facing everyday. Good thing that I am the optimistic type.

Frankly, even if my world always presses me down, I become stronger each day. I don't want to lose a chance because of not being able to find ways.

Life is always tough. Always, the one who wins is the one who thinks he can. Of course, I have fears, but that all fades away because I only hope for good things to come. 

People may fall down, bully by time, but it is just it. What matters most is the stand from any and every fall.

My friends asked me that why I am already so mature to weigh things up. I reply saying, "Ever since I was 8, I have taste already the bitter-sweet of life and my experiences educate me to stand after every fall, every pains, every time."

My secret: Thanking to have these extraordinary blessings - loving family and wonderful friends and that I couldn't ask for more.

Pursuing my education is my ultimate dream, my want. Who knows, decisions change. Maybe I will be opt to school next semester, who knows. Yes, who knows! :-)

What a Lazy Afternoon

At first, it was okay, but now, I feel really bored.

There is nothing unusual everyday ever since school is over. I miss my friends. I miss school as if I will enroll this summer, but I am not. This is pretty tough though. Afternoon is always been like this. The extreme heat of the sun makes everyone unhappy and so do I. I am not happy. I prefer that every day will rain (not really hard) because all are mutually cool and well. I am in the whirlpool. My ears are exhaustingly hearing the music again and again. I have no plan stopping the music because I will get really bored. Music is my resort these days.

I am really getting bored. I hate looking at the room. Get to memorize the spaces and things. But there is no choice. I am confined to these spaces since it takes money to enjoy, even a little amount.

I have seen for the third time, Lee Min Ho's "The Heirs". Thanks it adds to my diversion.

Next week, surely, I will enjoy. Got to experience another adventure with my friends. I love exploring places and seeing people. I just love surprises. I love having fun and I am looking forward on that. But for now, I hate the afternoon. Hope I can finish reading the books so that I can write stories, writing the script really well.

Life is not always fun. No matter how I like to amuse myself with diversions, but still I go back to my initial self.

What if I am all alone? :-(

On being Single

Here I go again, going through the circus of questions - "Why are you still single until this time?" And another question -"Do you know that being single for the rest of your life will lead  you to depression?".

This is what I feel right now. My friends always ask me this never-ending questions even to everyone that I encounter and maybe to anyone that I will have to encounter. And again, this is life and probably, that is their business that I need to answer. Then, I said to myself, "Do I really need to worry about this, about them?"

"It is really not a big deal for me being single." That is what I told them. And they are like, "It is too regretful if you will not have a family of your own because you are the nicest person this Earth could ever have." And I just smile to them.

I can't really blame everyone who will ask me such a question and I can't reprimand them stopping. It is not invasion of my privacy because in the first place, they are just so curious and that they wanted to know. But I am like always facing the same old questions on my part again and again and again. But there is no choice, but to deal with the situation.

I anticipate my life that time comes that I will be sad and lonely because I have no one in life. That is a fact. And I shall say that they are indeed "somewhat" true. But totally, it depends on the type of person one is.

There are lots of diversions that I could choose from and I know that all is just a state of mind. It is all a matter of choice. Maybe, not for now that I don't have a loved one, but maybe sooner or later, he will come. It is just that I don't really want to get hurt because I am not the type of person to be hurt by somebody or everyone has the right not to be hurt. I am in the point of really enjoying what life has to offer this time for me. I don't want to quickly decide on things and dwell on them like really now. I want to take every step easy, slow and with love and enjoyment. Getting to know a person takes a lot of time and it is a process. I don't believe that there is a perfect relationship. There is no perfection in this world, I guess. I am taking my life right now as one step at a time. If having no love life for me, then let it be. I can't force it to come, nor force myself to look for it. I believe that it will really come. I don't worry about waiting. And if I know that there is no point in waiting for someone to come, then, let it be. I got my wonderful family and friends out here, so there is no need to worry. All I want is to give love, share love and care for all people especially to the children.

I am a humanitarian kind of person and having no loved one this time is not really a big problem for me. I enjoy what I have this time and I am blessed with it. I couldn't ask for more. As long as I got my family and friends up here, then my life is complete. As long as I can help other people smile and be happy, then I am very much complete. As long as other people are happy, I am also happy for them.

I know time will come that I will be knocked by loneliness because of having no one (loved one) in life, but I offer myself to God for this. I know He has a huge plan for me and I trust His will. I maybe sound weird on this, but I know that He will.

Frankly, whenever I answer such question as like this, I feel like I am a like one of the candidate of a beauty pageant. My friends' questions are really worth an explanation.

Why "Joy Joy"?

A friend told me that it is so hard to find me in a famous social networking site because my name appears not the total true name. It is only then that she finds it out that I am "Joy Joy" and not "Arleen".

Why "Joy Joy"?

Ever since I was a kid, my parents called me "Joy Joy" and they are the ones given me that nickname. A nickname is a sort of a description or name given, not the actual name. And so, everyone in our barrio calls me "Joy Joy".

Why "Joy Joy"?

My mother told me before that they named me such because I am a jolly person even when I was a baby. I used to smile and make everyone smile at me. My mother also said that "Joy Joy" has marked with exactness because when I was 3, I used to sing even at the top of my lungs and the people are looking at me and they said that where is that beautiful voice coming from (I am short who has a big voice).

Why "Joy Joy"?

Really, I questioned that to myself also, even until now. Why "Joy Joy"?

There is spark in me. I have observed to myself that my friends and those I know will say that "How can we possibly live without you, Arleen (referring to me as Joy Joy)? As this question always lingers on my mind. I have realized that there is really this certain part of me that make people really miss me when I am not around. This leads me to think, "Why?" "Am I a joker?" Maybe because it is just the way I am. In fact, I just knew that people will surely miss me when I am not around when they do really tell me and so, probably, they find me amusing. Is it because I have a round face? I don't think so, that roundness of my face donates me being friendly. It is just the way I really am.

"Joy Joy" is just me, nothing more, nothing less. What you see is what you get. I can't hide not the real me. I am just natural and super honest. Whatever comes in my mind, I want to express them. I am always being true to myself and that I find it really the coolest attitude about me.

"Do you cry Joy Joy?", my friend asked me that question. And I said, of course, "Yes, I do cry if I am overladen with much problems." I do cry when I feel that the world presses me down as if there is no way out. I just want to burst my feelings into crying. But I don't cry everyday. I just cry when I feel the much weigh on my shoulders. But my crying is just a form of a release from the heaviness that I have carried in a day, after that, I am okay and I can smile and be happy again.

I don't really resort into crying because I know there is always a way out from every pressess this world offers. I just take things the way I handle them. I stick to what I believe in and what amazes me of myself is that, I can weigh things out on my own.

"Joy Joy" is always been a part of me. It is just the way I am. :-) In life, there is no reason to be always frown even amid uncertainties. Cheer up!

Unleash the potential in me

Borders. I hate borders. I want to spread my wings and fly.

I find love and happiness in everything I do. My mind always creates wonderful things that ignites my potential to discover and explore new things in a way that interest me. I always take regard to myself that I am a type of person who really do want more things to enjoy in life.

I believe in my potential, my skill, my talents and capabilities, my uniqueness from others. But oftentimes, BORDERS barricade my ignition to go forward and be inquisitive. This dies me in a way that my knowledge will be stagnant.

I want to prosper and make things happen. I want to make a difference in everyone's lives because I really want to know things, all the things and even I want to travel to the world. I know I can give more, show more, share even more and unleash the potential in me.

I want to extremely spread my wings and fly. Be with people, manage things orderly, making success for everyone and reaching out a hand to care.

I need the kind of world where my potentials, talents and skills be given much importance. I need a life. A life filled with unleashing touch of wonders, of discovering, of creating minds and ideas, of helping, of caring.

I don't need the borders in me. But the borders are working hard on me to the extent my potential is haunted.

I know no barricades, no walls, no borders will soon take in part of me. 

Modify myself: Quite hard but it is needed.

"Modify myself?!?", but how?

I don't know where to start. I don't know if I can straightly modify myself as in 100%. I don't know what leads me to this. Oftentimes, I forget to remind myself that I should reserve time for my own.

Modifying oneself takes are risk and it is a process. Like me, who finds "modification" a sort of another thing that needs serious attention to elevate myself really in the point of changing "some" parts of me.

I always have this in mind, everywhere I go, to whom I encounter - "What I can donate to this person?", but sad to say, I am in the most "kindier to the kindiest" part.

It is really so hard to say "No" to a request. What always I have in mind is the kind of feeling - "How can I ever help this person?" even if I know that I am the one at risk. I can only and generally know that what I do is quite a matter of conscience when the stuff is really coming and it is slowly manifesting to take an effect.

Maybe I can't abruptly modify myself. It needs a process. It needs a gut to say, "No" and always remind myself to prioritize myself first, always myself first. But oftentimes, I just can't.

This is my weakness. I know that I should let others grow and discover themselves without me helping them. But oftentimes, I do really forget that kind of help in them - to let them grow and discover themselves.

What is often in me is that - I will act. I will be the one to start. I will take everything okay.

Always, I have been tested on how I can be so sure about prioritizing myself first. What happens always is that, I take the risk, the sacrificial part, the most chaos one, the decision even if I know that I will be hurt and all I do this is for the love for others.

It is quite hard being this way. Am I really that "aquarian"? I don't connote myself as being labeled because I am really an Aquarian. It is just that I grow up in a kind of a home that I am the one who always do the stuff for others to be happy.

Modifying myself is not easy to do, but there is always a room for change, for improvement in myself and by and by, I can be able to go to the edge of what "modification" is all about.

I am just too kind. I am aware of it.

Why Filipinos are happy persons?

Happiness should not be restricted just because of one's status in life nor it should not be taken away by or from others. It is lived and shared.

"Why Filipinos are happy persons?", this is the very most question everytime foreign individuals visit my country.

Philipines is a country where the happiest persons live. We, the Filipinos are one of the happiest persons in the world. It comes from each Filipino family. The way our home nurtures us with unending family love and care. Each member is important. Checking each other out always gets in our system. It is our close family ties that perfect the happiness  one can't live without the other. The openness of a home invigorates to easily work and patch things out. Hatred is not a fad in us. Though everyone feels the insufficiency, but still to smile forgets the problem.

We, Filipinos can't stand to see others behind. We are liable to everyone. We don't want something bad will happen especially to the ones we love. That is why, we really mind to care. We don't want to leave others at the rear
side.

The happiness that we have is the mark that is already rooted in our being. To be happy despite of poverty finds no way to destroy our being. It is a nice feeling that no matter how obvious all of us are in huge constraint because of much insufficiency and scarcity, the power of smile is deeply rooted in ourselves. We don't worry much in life because we care to care and we believe that there are solutions to every problem.

Filipinos can afford to smile even in the midst of much difficulty. We take life light and depression is not rampant in us for we know that to be happy and wear that smile are the two most precious gifts that we know to help ease our sadness.

Filipinos love to collaborate and deal with various cultures. It is our smiles that carried us to all sides of the world.

I've got a feeling: Caring a person

I felt something different about yesterday's experience. And I just don't mind it.

It is natural for me to care to my patient. He is young as 27 and he is in total pain. I have done tepid sponge bath to him and afterwards I do wound care. I accompany him to the comfort room (but I am waiting outside the CR).

He is totally staring at me as if he will not blink, but still I manage to do what I want to give care to him. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I talked to him and share my health teachings. As we conversed, he asked where am I living, etc. I answered him but I never show something special.

That is what I am talking about. I used to care for people and it is a pleasure for me to help them. But when it comes to male, younger patient, I will give my total care, not showing anything else for special moments. I just don't want them to fall in love with me.

I care because I do care about their health and not for anything other than that.

This is what I have observed about me giving care to someone, they got an unusual feeling for me. That is the one I am always watchful for because work is work for me.

l'm not ready yet

Oftentimes the questions of others hooked me into a situation as if I don't have a choice, but to reflect on it even more - "Do I need to be hurry in order for me to settle down?" The concern now is: "Where is he?".

Do I look pitiful of having no one in life until this time? Do I look miserably lonely while remaining as single until now? Do I need to take heed on the advice of others to find someone for me to be "happy"? Do I need to do all efforts to search for the man for me? Am I going to be helpless when time comes that the need to have someone in life is like an urgent demand? My question always is: "Why do other people worry for me being single until now, which in fact being single does not bother me."

My friend called me, asking how am I doing, how many kids I have and when did I get married, etc. "No", I answered her. "I am not married and even don't have children. And she said that I am pitiful. "How come no one likes you if fact, you are a good person, beautiful, caring and loving", that is what she said to me.

TRAUMA. That is how I feel until this time. Of course, I want to get married someday and to have a happy, wonderful family of my own with the man I really love, the man who never hurt me, to the man who is deserving of my love and care, to the man who needs me because loves me.

My friend said that maybe I am choosy because I don't have a lover until now. She is totally wrong. I am not choosy. It is just I want someone who I really love, not because of wealth or money nor because of his physical appearance. It is the attitude, his love that matters to me. Love don't cost a thing.

That is why, I keep myself super busy with school and other works because I find it as an avenue to relieve myself and not to mind about the pain that I have went through. It was 4 years now, but it is still devastatingly painful. It is because I put my 100% trust on him (my bestfriend and lover before) who I thought would not hurt me. But I was extremely wrong. He did hurt me so much.

I have realized that when you touch a heart, never try to break it. What is the point of coming into someone's life and all of a sudden you just disappear or you change.unpleasantly.

We are all lovers and I know someone will come for me. But if there's none, then that is probably my fate.

I have realized that when you love, leave portions for yourself. Never give your 100% trust to him/her unless he/she is deserving of your trust. When you break up, you will not be left totally hurt. You can easily regain yourself.

Most importantly, it takes time to know a person. Getting to know each other well is the key to a harmonious relationship. For in knowing deeply the person, you can evaluate that, that person is truly the one who you will spend the rest of your life with.

Love is not a joke. A true man can't afford to hurt the woman he loves. Love should be treasured. It should be taken care of. It should be worked by two.

I can't blame my friend for asking me questions regarding my love life. I take my stride with hope and prayer to God that He will lead me into a good man who will understand, love, care, respect and who will love my family as well. A man who needs me because he like me. A man who will never hurt me and who will never try to hurt me because I am worth to be cared and loved for. A man who deserves my love and care.

I cried a bit because I don't want to recall my past, hurtful love story. But I know crying is part of the process. I can say that I am super strong when I am hurt. I never quit to stand from a drastic fall.

When can I be ready? When a man will come.