Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Modify myself: Quite hard but it is needed.

"Modify myself?!?", but how?

I don't know where to start. I don't know if I can straightly modify myself as in 100%. I don't know what leads me to this. Oftentimes, I forget to remind myself that I should reserve time for my own.

Modifying oneself takes are risk and it is a process. Like me, who finds "modification" a sort of another thing that needs serious attention to elevate myself really in the point of changing "some" parts of me.

I always have this in mind, everywhere I go, to whom I encounter - "What I can donate to this person?", but sad to say, I am in the most "kindier to the kindiest" part.

It is really so hard to say "No" to a request. What always I have in mind is the kind of feeling - "How can I ever help this person?" even if I know that I am the one at risk. I can only and generally know that what I do is quite a matter of conscience when the stuff is really coming and it is slowly manifesting to take an effect.

Maybe I can't abruptly modify myself. It needs a process. It needs a gut to say, "No" and always remind myself to prioritize myself first, always myself first. But oftentimes, I just can't.

This is my weakness. I know that I should let others grow and discover themselves without me helping them. But oftentimes, I do really forget that kind of help in them - to let them grow and discover themselves.

What is often in me is that - I will act. I will be the one to start. I will take everything okay.

Always, I have been tested on how I can be so sure about prioritizing myself first. What happens always is that, I take the risk, the sacrificial part, the most chaos one, the decision even if I know that I will be hurt and all I do this is for the love for others.

It is quite hard being this way. Am I really that "aquarian"? I don't connote myself as being labeled because I am really an Aquarian. It is just that I grow up in a kind of a home that I am the one who always do the stuff for others to be happy.

Modifying myself is not easy to do, but there is always a room for change, for improvement in myself and by and by, I can be able to go to the edge of what "modification" is all about.

I am just too kind. I am aware of it.

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